How do you define yourself?

 I'm still not sure what to say to people who ask what I do.  Well I have an undergraduate degree in art.  Graphic design.. Well for what that's worth.  I worked at a company that made graphics for computer related products.  I started out printing but ended up doing the engineering and the graphics.  Lots of big customers and some very small ones too. I ended up being a quality manager dealing with electronics companies and machine shops.  I don't know how it got to that point..

Before that I was a musician I guess you could say. I started very young and happened to be in the right place at the right time and got booked and it sustained me for several years while growing up and while I was in school.  I played bass.  I actually never learned how to play bass I just said I could at the right time to these other guys who needed a bass player.  My first instrument as a little kid was mandolin.  We had two of them in our cabin when I was growing up. Then I took piano in about 3rd grade then into orchestra on violin at grade 5.  For those who don't know violin has the same notes as mandolin.  So that made total sense to me.  Now it's the one instrument I feel the most comfortable on.  Even though I played professionally for several years on bass I really don't feel like I'm a musician.

Well lately I've been working on my old 1979 truck.  I'm not a mechanic.. but I've done a lot of work cars.  Does that make me a mechanic?  I think I'm about to solve a problem with my truck that my regular mechanic got wrong, we will see.  But even if I solve this, I don't think I can call myself a mechanic.

That's just not how I define myself.  And I don't think anyone else does either.. I know they don't.  But If I solve this problem with my truck, I'm gonna have to think I'm a fairly good mechanic. 

You aren't who you think you are

So I have to just say, I'm kind of lucky to just be here.  And let me say this, it's nice to be able to just type something and not be on my stupid phone.  I hate my phone.  I loved my Blackberry as I got used to the keyboard and could use my thumbs and not even look at it.  The screen thing and even the talk to text is so mindless and I can't express myself without difficulty..

This is a bit off point.. Not that I have any points that matter.  Nothing we do in this life really matters. If you really think it does then you have some sort of a hangup.  I've come to the conclusion that if you really are free you don't have any hangups.  It's the test for how free you really are. I look at people and the situations they get in and define it in terms of hangups  It's pretty easy to see.  It could be something as simple as how you identify yourself or how you see yourself.  These things change.  Everything changes.

I remember thinking I'm this or that. Artist or musician, but honestly it's such a small idea of what I really am and frankly it doesn't matter.  Nobody cares.  Even if I were the most famous artist or Musician in the greater scheme of things it doesn't matter. 

The only things that matters are the people you care about and love.  That's it.  So don't get hung up on who you think you are. you aren't who you think you are.

  

 

quiet space

Since I stopped working I've been doing things.  Like I put new flooring in my kitchen entry and bathroom.  I pretty much redid the whole bathroom.  Julie my new (and only) wife showed me how to install vinyl plank flooring in our cabin.  Then we fixed the deck.  I had earlier painted and re-roofed both the boat house and the cabin.  I did roof while I was also doing chemo.  That wasn't the best..

Anyway, lots of time I'm just working alone. I'll go through a whole day and not really have contact with anyone as Julie lives in Canada.  We do talk, just for the record, but most of the tasks I do, I do alone. My cat Wallace does interact with me and I do talk to him for what that's worth.  I try and have as quiet of a brain as possible. I don't try I just do. I'm really good at not thinking. The kind of video that has no dialog and no soundtrack.  I realized yesterday while at the cabin alone that I'm like that guy in the video.  I took the carburetor apart several times until it stopped leaking.  No other thoughts in my head.  It was just like watching a video.  Almost like an out of body experience.. I had to accomplish that task because I needed the truck to work.

After I did that I drained the water out of the pump that feeds water to the cabin to winterize it so it won't freeze.  The same sort of experience.  Well I got both of those tasks done, then I had to travel 200 miles in the truck I fixed.  No radio, the only sound was the motor of the truck and all the noises it makes. In that situation I had to decide what noises were of concern and what ones were OK. One time there was a rattle and I finally realized that it was one of the sun visors. I just monitored the two tanks of gas the oil pressure the temp and the voltage and considered my progress towards my destination.

I could have worried about the truck the water situation in the cabin and the long drive but that wouldn't solve anything.  Frankly I did worry about the truck and the drive, but it all worked out. I always hated when someone at work was playing "their music" really loud.  It's just such pollution.  I used to like the B52s but there's only so much Love Shack I can take in one week baby..

Faking it

Here's something I wrote a long time ago about faking it 

I had to fake my way through a few church hymns. I'm a pretty good faker. I have a pretty small singing range. Three or four notes.. They had the words to the music printed in the hand out they give you to let you know what's going on. But you could also look the hymns up in the hymnal if you wanted to read the music. One of the hymns was really complicated. I was looking at the score in the hymnal thinking, how do people fake something this complicated? So then I faked it with a thoughtful confused look on my face because the choir is up there looking straight back at all of the people in the congregation and probably trying to decide who is faking it. That's what I'd do if I were in the choir... Then I got to thinking how church hymns might just be some sort of honesty test...

Every dog is a service dog

It's like every dog is a service dog.  I was in Walmart the other day and there was a service dog somewhere in the huge store just barking and barking off in the distance.  After that it started howling.

Idaho has a law known as the food safety act or something like that.  It prohibits any dogs/ animals from being where food is prepared or served.  Nobody in Idaho seems to subscribe to that law..

Well the heck. I wonder what they would do if I brought Wallace my cat into Walmart?  I could just put him down on the produce and let him sniff around while I picked out what I wanted.. 

My Way Back

Ok, so I finally got my way back into Blogger.. Good grief. I hate passwords and that sort of thing.  Now I'd better write something. 

Well, there has been a lot that has happened since quit writing/ blogging.  I have a new laptop and I'm getting used to the keyboard.  I find typing relaxing.  It's kind of like playing piano.  I like to move my fingers and then see words appear on the screen.  One thing my old man told me was to learn how to type.  He was right about that and many other things.  I hate it when I see someone hunting and pecking.. My recent doctor does that, and I'm thinking how in the heck did this guy get through med school? I miss my Blackberry.. It had keys on it and I could type on it using my thumbs without looking.

And there's the whole thing about my health.. Nobody wants to talk about that so I won't.  I admit it's a real downer.. There's just so many things to catch up on, not that any of it matters in the grand scheme of things.

It used to be that when I blogged I'd just write about whatever came to my mind.  So that's what I will do now also.  I had a web tracker on my blog.  I could see how long people stayed on my blog, and what they did. It became clear people were just finding my photos and taking them and they didn't have time to read so I think I will just write for a while now.  That's what I miss anyway.

When I was having my life without blogging I wasn't well, but I made friends with a stray tom cat.  He was roaming free in the winter and living under my shed and truck.  I was determined to make friends with him.  I coaxed him with food and finally after several months I won his trust.  I finally took him in when he showed up one day all cut up from being in a fight.  I treated his wounds with neosporin and he just went and rolled in the dirt. We are now mates, and he's an indoor cat.  He is orange and weighs 23 pounds, name of Wallace.  He's a great cat.

Well I guess that's enough for now. If I can get back in then I'll write some more.